I was at work yesterday, (suffering from Ragweed, my coworker told me), when I read my horoscope like I normally do in the morning. It said something about seeing visions of angels and I was to listen to what they said and apply that to my life. I snickered, because I'm not one to see things like that... although I've been hearing a voice call me in the morning right before I wake up, which wakes me up. I thought it was my mother, but I found her sound asleep, so I don't know... anyway, I digress. (No, I'm not crazy.)
Last night, after having dinner with mom, we ran to the bookstore to pick up a few things. I needed my next bookclub book, and as usual I like to wander through the romance section to see what is available. I also picked up a new Buddhist book about finding intimacy in relationships, and especially finding it within yourself.
Nothing was on TV last night, as mom had the channel-changer, and I was working on my paper sitting on the couch. I happened to look up at one point, and Mom had put on the old show "Touched by an Angel." I didn't really think anything about it, or remember my horoscope until the show was 1/2 over. But I listened to their message anyway, as I am one to believe in signs. The story-line was about a married couple, and the husband cheated on the wife with a younger woman and got her pregnant. The pregnant couple was flying to France (he was going for a conference) and the wife had gotten on the plane to surprise the husband and meet him in France for their anniversary. The woman went into labor, after the wife realized what was going on, and the wife was the only doctor who could help. She said to her husband, "I am a woman of integrity, and I keep my vows - I am a doctor." She saved the baby, and the plane returned to the airport to try to save the mother. The angels were there throughout the delivery and at the hospital. The angels kept remarking how strong of a woman she is, and the husband was stupid. But then the angels did the normal thing in the show, when they appear to everyone and tell them what they should do and how to have faith. In a nutshell, the message was that everyone has a choice to forgive or be forgiven, and God wanted the relationship to work for some reason, and it is their free choice to do that or not. But know that God loves you, so much, and wants you to be happy, and share that love with others. They picked to forgive each other, and since the mother died, they decided to be a family and raise the baby together. They always loved each other.
I started reading the Buddhist book soon after that, called "Loving-Kindness." There were different quotes and lines that were standing out for me, and for once I wished I had a highlighter handy to mark them. I don't usually mark my books, but I had an urge to do so. Here are a few of the passages that struck me:
- Love for others without the foundation of love for ourselves becomes a loss of boundaries, codependency, and a painful and fruitless search for intimacy.
- We so often in our lives serve as a mirrors for one another. We look to others to find out if we ourselves are loveable; we look to others to fine out if we are capable of feeling love; we look to others for a reflection of our innate radiance.
- Seeing the goodness in someone does not imply ignoring difficult qualities or unskillful actions. Rather, we can fully acknowledge these difficulties, while at the same time we choose to focus on the positive. If we focus on the negative, we will naturally feel anger, resentment, or disappointment. If we focus on the positive, we will forge a connection to the person. Then as we look at their negative traits or actions, we do it as their friend. If two friends are looking at such difficult things, they do so standing side by side.
- The Pali word "metta" has two root meanings - "gentle" and "friend." To understand the power or the force of metta is to understand true friendship. The Buddha actually described at some length what he meant by being a good friend in the world. He talked about a good friend as someone who is constant in our times of happiness and also in our times of adversity or unhappiness. A friend will not forsake us when we are in trouble nor rejoice in our misfortune. The Buddha described a true friend as being a helper, someone who will protect us when we are unable to take care of ourselves, who will be a refuge to us when we are afraid... The culmination of metta is to become such a friend to oneself and all of life.
I read that book for awhile, and then I needed something a little more lighter while I ponder those meanings in the back of my head. I had picked up a romance called "So Into You" by one of my favorite authors Sandra Hill. She has a cajun series she writes, with an eccentric match-maker who tries to marry off all of her male relatives by praying to St. Jude (patron of hopeless cases) and making them a hope-chest. (She's also in her 90s and has her own "style" in clothing choices.) Anyway, I really didn't read the back of the book before picking it up, as I just normally like her books and figured it would be good.
The story is about a man named Angel (hmmm) who fell in love with his female best friend, Grace. Reading some of their interactions before he professed his love to her and ruined the relationship had a certain familiarity to them for me. He told her that he was in love with her, and wanted her to run away and marry him... she refused, saying she didn't love him in that way. What I found out so far, is that she really did, its just that she has a secret (she gave up a child for adoption and had an abortion before that) and is basically "paying for her sins" by not allowing herself to get into another relationship. Its a year later, and he's back in town... and the attraction is still there, and he still loves her, but he's trying to play it cool, but he's already mentally declared that she's his, and he's not taking no for an answer, she will fall in love with him. It always seems so easy in romance novels, doesn't it? I guess that's why they call them fiction! hehehe
Anyway, they say there aren't any coincidences in life. Others would say that I'm needing meaning so badly I'm looking at the facts and scewing them to fit the truth that I want. I'm just trying to see everything for what it is, and fall in love with me. I've always respected myself, and liked me, but now I just want to fall in love with me. No one can ever love me, as much as I can love myself, or as God can love me. Its not human nature to do that.
Now I got to finish this f-ing paper, and get my ass to the gym. I have more weight to lose!
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