my condo in the chaos

I'm such a fool. I'm sitting here at my computer crying, just because I couldn't leave well enough alone. I went online tonight to the dating website, and ran into my ex, and I initiated a conversation with him. Yes, he broke my heart, but sometimes I just want to know that he's feeling as badly as I am... that doesn't make it right, it just makes me feel like I'm not alone.

He feels the emptiness too, but right now he's so focused on his job, he doesn't dwell on it. I made a comment about the psychic being right, and he asked what I meant, and I went into the 3 year cycle thing that I had explained on here about a month ago. He was amazed and enthralled that such things happen. And I was clear when I stated to him that she was adamant that we were a very good match, it was just that we weren't in the same places. I also made the comment that maybe he should have asked me to marry him in December like she recommended, and he said that he guesses we'll never know if she was right at that time. Which really made me sad, and I told him to never say never, because if people were meant to be together, it will happen some day.

I don't understand, as women, why we do this to ourselves. I see it happen all the time, and sometimes I wish for more testosterone in my body so I can stop doing it. It doesn't fix anything, make me feel better, or even begin to solve any sort of problem, yet I find myself compelled to ask the questions. My quest for the truth and knowledge sometimes becomes so self-righteous inside of me that I must know at any cost what the reality truly is, and not my misguided perception.

I'm Catholic, but I have to be honest and say that I believe in past lives. And combining several faiths, my belief is that as humans we are here on Earth to relive everything until we get it right. This is our purgatory, not some nothingness that we pray our ancestors are removed from. We are actually praying that they learn from their mistakes in the lives that they are living, as they try to grow toward their final reward. I also believe that the people you are surrounded with now, are the same people you will continue to be surrounded with in all of your lives. They may play different roles, they may not even be related to you, or they may be in the next life. But their job is to show up, and give you the challenges you are supposed to face, until you learn how to deal with them the one and true way, and it no longer becomes a burden.

The burden that I've been dealt to learn is not to wonder so deeply into the why of things. But when I think about that sentence, that goes against everything I stand for. I believe in being mature, and truthful, not hurtful to others. And I ask why because I want to learn, and I want to understand how I can be my own magic wand, and fix myself. I've been told by many people, some random on the street that I would like to think have an insight into these things, that I'm wise beyond my years, and I have a deep knowledge that many try to find. But that knowledge sometimes comes with a price... and this time, it comes with tears, and more hurt on my heart.

I blog because I'm an 'E' personality, which means I'm an extrovert. That doesn't necessarily means I'm not shy, it means that I process everything out loud.. out of my head. So typing it out, seeing it in black and white helps me to process everything. I read my past blogs, and I've seen that I have come so far. I've accepted the reality of the situation, but it's so hard for me sometimes to let go of what I want the future to be, and just live it.

I was able to let go earlier today of a fantasy that I safely built for myself somewhere in the future. And this evening, I'm going to let go of my ex. I'm going to stop worrying, stop planning, and stop asking why everything happened, and just accept it. That's a painful moment, to accept something is not ever going to be what you wished for. Because in all honesty, I still thought this was just a nightmare, and within a few months he'd be asking for me back.

I'm tired of being the safety net. The one that holds the pieces together so that someone else can fall apart safely. I'm the one that asks politely how he's doing, because that's the mature, "right" thing to do. To thank people for choosing to spend what little time with you, because you've gained so much in their presence, is the "right" thing to do when handling a break-up, whether it be a friendship or a relationship. I'm not anyone's fill-in for when they are lonely, and sometimes, with the men I know, I end up feeling that way all the time. "I'll turn to Amy, she's always there, she makes me feel good about myself, and I know that if Amy likes me, then I really am a good person."

You know, I love my people.. and I get joy out of seeing them happy and telling them that I love them and will do anything for them. And I don't mind doing it, but I really need someone to do it for me for awhile. Because this is a lonely gig to have.

This started as my sob story for one man, and it's turned into a sob/rant story for all of them. But that's what growth and change is.. stories of victory and stories of sobs.