one more thing I have to say...

I'm not normally a vindictive or mean-spirited person. If anyone really knows me, then they'll know that I love everyone truly, and want them to succeed. So, this is completely out of character for me to even say this, but I think I need to get it out of me, so that I can move on.

Last night I blogged about my condo in chaos, and I mentioned other men in my past as well as my ex. I started thinking, after I signed off last night, while trying to fall asleep, about those relationships and what happened after they broke it off with me.

I came to a very interesting conclusion...

You see, I have about 4 men that I can think of prior to my ex, that I would have liked to been able to fall in love with. And I would have, if they did not stop the relationship from forming by breaking up with me, or telling me that we weren't right for each other.

I was angry after each one, and I wondered "why", and I told them all that it makes me happy for them to be happy, so I would not stand in their way of finding their bliss. And I remained friends with them. I supported them, encouraged them, and still do to this very day.

But I started to think about their lives after "me". And this is written in no way to suggest that I am something more than what I truly am. If any of you are reading this, and I know that some of you do, and you don't want your ego slashed, I would suggest to stop reading now, and pretend like this never happened. This is about me, not about you, and my intention is to clear my head, and not hurt you.

After me, and again, after I very gently and politely let them go, I always wondered, even after I moved on to other men, what our lives would be like together. And when I was/am single, and they were too, I had harbored some hope that we'd get back together. I held that hope up until last night when I started thinking about this.

I noticed a pattern last night, that stuck out in my head so strongly, I wonder why I never realized it before. All of these men, all 4 of them, met the "woman of their dreams" right after me. I heard all about how wonderful, great this relationship was going to be, and how these women just swept them away. And me, being me, I was truly happy for them. I will not share their names, as this is their private business, and know one else needs to know their business.

Then, depending on the man, over a matter of 1-4 years, "she" systematically cut their hearts out of their bodies, sliced it into tiny little pieces, microwaved on high for 10 mins, and handed it to them on a silver platter when she walked out the door.

And there I was, still gently smiling, with my arms open, metaphorically kissing their foreheads, telling them it was going to be okay. And I truly meant every word, because I had come to love and cherish my friendships with these men.

But, the more I thought about it... I don't secretly want romantic relationships with these men anymore. Because I thought they were great, and had it together, but I can clearly and plainly see that they have no f*ing idea what the hell they are doing!

Talking about my beliefs again, I believe in the Wiccan thought of the 3-fold. Also known as Karma. Which basically means that whatever you do, good or bad, will come back around and get you 3 times as better or worse then what you dished out.

They have clearly suffered for hurting my heart. So, once again, this goes to prove to watch what you wish for, because it might just turn around and bite you in the ass.

With that said, I'm letting those feelings of interest "go" and they are going to just reside in the past, where they belong. The old me, the one prior to last night, would always keep a door open, for the chance for it happen, but the new me is slightly bitchy, and went around and closed all the doors.

They have lost their chance.