New Year's Eve

So I'm not going to VA and set my intentions at a fire pit with some yoga as I first thought I was going to do. I woke up to ice and snow this morning, so I'm going to stay closer to home. I have a paper to finish, or actually start, plus I have a date this weekend if the weather holds up. Its a first date, so we'll see if we like each other and how it goes!

I'm looking cute today with my jeans, sweater, and my jeans tucked into my fury boots! Look who looks trendy! hehe :)

Okay, I have to cut it short in order to get stuff ready for our big presentation on Monday. We are leaving work early today, and I want to have it finished so I can focus on my paper and not it over the weekend.

Counting down to the New Year

I had a doctor's appointment this morning, which ran late because she went to her different office by accident. Silly doctor! hehehe Everything checked out fine with my GYN appointment, and all is right in my world. She is living vicariously through me, since I'm single and 30, and she's my age and married with kids. I really enjoy her!

Today we are scrambling to get the project finished, and I may just have enough peace and quiet to get it done. My usual annoyance isn't here today, so I won't have to run PR for her, or boost her confidence. She had a bit of drama yesterday, so its good that she is taking a day to rest.

Tonight I am going to start my paper for class, which is due on Monday. I just don't feel like writing it, as I really don't know where to start. That's a lie, I do know where to start, but it feels like annoying busy work for me, which I don't appreciate that type of work. But I guess they have to have something tangible to grade us on.

I need a massage... I got a gift certificate for one, so I just need to make the appointment - I can't wait! :)

Okay... back to work!

Mmmmm... I love good food

I'm such a foodie when it comes to going out to restaurants. I like nothing more than getting dressed up and going to a swanky place. The atmosphere, the new food, the company, the drinks - its so fun to spend money on that stuff!

I met my friend Stacey last night at Pazo, which is an old wharehouse that has been redone into a swanky restaurant. DELICIOUS!

More later... must go work!

Detox

Now I fully understand what I've been doing to my body all of these years.

Over the last weekend, pretty much since the snow, I've eaten nothing but junk. By that I mean processed foods, cream sauces, cookies, chocolates, pecan crusted toppings with sugar, and a variety of other things that just are not healthy. And I feel like crap. I mean, I'm functioning, but it is not in a good way. My body is trying to get all the junk out of it, and just release the toxins.

I'm back to eating fruit and drinking juice this morning, and on my water regime while I get it all out of me. I'm going out to dinner tonight, but I'm limiting my menu to what is healthy.

But anyway - I had an awesome Christmas. It started at Aunt Carolyn's on Christmas Eve before meeting up with RoseCarol and TJ to go to midnight mass. I got a new flipcam for Christmas, and I am so excited about it - its awesome and fun to use. We headed to my cousin Wendy's for dinner, and I got hit on by Jess's boyfriend's dad. He wants to take me ghost hunting, which I thought was kinda funny. And... I got drunk! hehe No, I wasn't snuggling up to him, but I think this is the first time my family saw my real personality come up. I was pretty much a talkative fool with a running, unfiltered commentary on everything. They were hysterical, laughing at me! hehe They never knew I was so funny. Duh!

We left there and headed to my other cousins, where I had more food, and then promptly got sick. I think it was a mixture of my 8 drinks, and then eating an Italian Cold Cut when I wasn't even hungry. I have never gotten sick before from drinking, so I'm hard pressed to say it was the food. But anyway, I felt better afterwards.

Saturday we went to visit my Aunt Kass and cousin Ben, whom I adore. We played games for over 5 hours and did some snuggling while watching Spongebob and eating cookies. I still don't know how a 4 year old manages to beat me at all the games. He always picks the cards worth the most money, and gets the most pairs with go-fish. He got a candy claw machine from his other grandmother for Christmas, so we spent time playing with that. He was good tho - he didn't want to eat any of the candy, he just put it back in the machine - the thrill for him was getting it out of the machine.

Sunday I did some shopping, and then Mom and I headed to Hampden to see the Miracle on 34th street. It was crazy, as usual, but a lot of fun. I have some great video of all of my adventures, but haven't uploaded it yet.

I'm back at the grind for the rest of the week, hoping it doesn't snow on NYE so I can go to Virgina. But we'll see!

One more day!

Today is my last day of work until Monday - I can't wait! I need the break, although I'll be working on a paper for class. But that's not as bad as all the craziness that has been going on at work. But I finally got everything ready to be sent out the door, overnighted. It should be back to us on Monday, and the craziness will begin again, but at least I have a few days of relaxation.

I finished my first sweater for my 4 year old cousin, and now I'm working on one for the 3 year old. Its adorable, with a pocket in the front to keep toys. I found it in a magazine and couldn't resist. Its not a Christmas present, just a "just because" present.

I've read the Emotion Code, and I now know how to test my body and get the answers that I'm needing. Opposed to using my mind to answer questions, I can figure out what my body wants. Its called the "Sway" test and the "muscle" test. So far its been pretty accurate, and I've released some trapped emotions in my body. Some people will read this and think I'm off my rocker, but I'm really into that holistic body-mind connection healing stuff now. There's some merit to it, and I think I've found what I've been looking for, for a long time. Wait to you hear about what I'm doing for New Years! hehe

Peppy Peppy Peppy

I have a lot of internal energy today, which is kinda cool. Its not outside of my body, but I seem to have an internal sugar fix! hehe Anyway!

I got some really good feedback from a colleague yesterday. We were in a meeting yesterday with a vendor who was presenting a few different facilitators to us to use for the upcoming system-roll-out. After the meeting we were talking about who's style would mesh with the different facilitators, and we were talking about one in particular who I had an adverse reaction to. She reminded me of Sr. Helena who I had in grade school. Anyway, my colleague said that when I present, there is a lot going on, and people feel safe to explore their learning, and its very fluid, but I have control of the entire room the whole time, even though they don't know it. Someone else piped up and said that is because she knows where she needs to get them, and they trust her to get them there. Neat!

I have lots of work to do today, but I'm too much into the Christmas mood to do it. I just want to twirl in my chair and party. Twirling is always fun. hehe :)

Blizzard of 2009!

What a wonderful weekend spent inside knitting! I did do some work on Sunday night, but I mostly spent it working on a sweater for one of my 4 year old cousins. My first sweater, and its adorable! Its easy to work on, since it is so small, I don't get bored with it! hehe

I used the Law of Attraction to manifest a man with a back-hoe, who showed up yesterday afternoon and actually cleared the 10 feet+ that the snow plow usually leaves in front of our parking pad. We normally have to shovel far out into the street to just get the cars out. I don't know if I really manifested him, but I was hating doing the work, and was wishing that someone would come by and fix it. It worked! He got a few of my neighbors plowed out too, before disappearing around the corner! Good man! hehe My mom was teasing me that I was dating 4 different guys a few months ago, and now that I'm not, we get a blizzard. I found humor in that as well.

I gave up on the shoveling at one point and just fell back into the snow and made a snow angel. The only thing I don't like about making snow angels is that I always mess them up when I get out of them. I need someone to come by and just pick me up, so I don't get stuck and mess it up! hehe

I also saw pictures of one of my ex's new girlfriend - sometimes a woman just knows when to admit defeat. She's amazingly beautiful and so photogenic. Hopefully she treats him well, as he really is a good guy. No, I am not talking about my most recent ex. Not that I wanted to get back with him or anything, but just saying.

I'm starting to get a crush on the new guy, J. We've been emailing a lot with each other, and his sense of humor just cracks me up. He gets my humor, and just goes with it. We have invented a story about someone we call FJ - i.e. Flat J. Since J lives out of state, we started teasing that I can just print out a life-size picture of him and carry it around - Flat J. The story line is about my adventures with FJ, as since he is 1-dimensional his brain isn't all that functioning. I think J told me that FJ was raised by bats and grew up in the wilds of the backwoods of NJ, that's why I found him in my closet hanging upside down with his ipod on the other morning. He only speaks piglatin ebonics too, so I have to communicate with a translator. LOL I do crack myself up. hehe :) But he's on the right track for winning me over - get my creative brain going and have me laughing! hehe :)

Dancing the 5Rhythms Again

Today is going to be a busy day. I'm leaving the office in an hour or so and then heading to DC for a meeting. Then I'm leaving there, picking up F in the middle of Dupont Circle, then meeting classmates/friends with F in Bethesda for dinner, then going with everyone to dance the 5Rhythms tonight! All before the snow storm starts late at night!

Its going to be a fun day! I'm really excited about seeing everyone. Stephanie and I have been talking and we decided that we are going to go on one of those wild female-empowering retreats and dance naked around campfires to let our inner animal out. I've learned to subdue the inner beast of many a man, so now I need to work on letting mine out! Maybe that is the intention I will set for the dance tonight - to let my inner animal out!

Kundalini Yoga

My coworker gave me a few yoga video tapes because she was not going to use them anymore, and I spent last night doing an hour long Kundalini Yoga workout. It kicked my butt! Its a lot of fast repetitive movement that lasts for over 3 minutes each. Bending to the floor and touching the sky, up and down, up and down really builds up a sweat! I felt my energy awaken, which is a good thing.

This journey I am on, living in the moment and getting in touch with my internal experience has been amazing. I'm still asking my body what it needs, and as my head wanders in its infinite glory down avenues of thought, I just smirk at it and say, "there it goes again." I've learned to be open, and as I am re posturing my body to be open and not hunched, I can feel the pull in my lower back as my muscles get used to new alignment.

It feels good to be me.

What an Experience

It has been a hell of a day. But in a good way. Very busy, but very productive. I taught a class this morning about communications and I'm pretty sure I knocked it out of the park! All 21 of them were totally engaged with lots of activity and chatter - I think it was worth it! I got back and had to get our catalog posted on the web, and then I was in a design meeting this afternoon. I'm able to sit down and write.

Last night was AWESOME with David. I had a breathing session with him, my 5th, and I really tapped into something. We had a long conversation, and I started to be authentic. He called me on my shit, and he knows that I play the "game." He found me out. So we talked about my fears and my challenges with taking up space and power... which was a helpful conversation. We think I hide behind words just as much as I hide behind fat. Interesting connection that I hadn't made and then saw.

During the breathing, I felt a lot of fear, and was able to cry that out. Then I had an amazing experience. My body shifted into a very open position, and it felt like energy was pouring out of me like light - just running like a raging river. I felt like I was engulfed in light, and all of my charkas were engaged. Afterwards David asked what happened, and then told me that he didn't see the light but he felt it. He said that he wasn't sure when, or how, but suddenly my energy filled the room and basically poured out of me hitting him in the gut. He couldn't do anything but sit in it, as it was a wonderful thing to witness and see. He said it was almost like I was fighting it, then my subconscious said, "hell with this, I'm letting it go" and it just happened. I let go. I felt so open and calm afterwards. My body was actually vibrating with energy, almost humming. It was amazing! I'm still feeling the aftershocks now.... hehe

Off to the gym tonight! I am safe to be thin!

Feeling Powerful!

A weekend with the cohort always leaves me feeling energized and ready to tackle life when I get back to reality. There is something about being with like-minded individuals all weekend that is so good for the soul. I can't wait until I get to spend over 10 days with them in Bermuda in Feb - its going to be awesome!

I feel like I am owning my power today. And it really has to do with dressing for success. I have one a cute knit black dress, black tights, and knee-high black suede boots with a red scarf. I feel in control, on top of things, and I'm making decisions left and right. I stepped up to the plate and I feel good.

I've been asking my body a new question every day, to try to stay out of my head, "What does my body need right now?" And it is amazing at the answers that I get.

I am also reading a new book about weight-loss. I am only on chapter 5 but it is delving into the concept of emotional obesity, which I think I am living with. We have already established that I do not eat a large diet, its actually limited in the amount of food I eat and incredibly varied in nutrition. I mostly eat healthy items. Yet my body loses some weight, and then I always get stuck. I feel healthy, I am medically healthy, yet my body carries the weight.

The book talks about how based on design, it will regulate your weight based on what you need and how safe you feel. If you are starving, you will retain weight, if you need to flee and are afraid, you body will shed weight. No matter how the diet changes and the amount of exercise done. Its just not about calories in or calories out. However, humans no longer have those same stressors, but our body reacts in the old way. There are programs set in the body to maintain weight, and if under stress of a certain kind, the program will turn on or off. I asked myself the key question, "Is it safe for me to be thin right now?" And my gut reaction was "no." That means I have some sort of subconscious message that I learned to make myself believe that the only way to be safe is to be fat. The fat is either a physical barrier to keep me from others, or I may be emotionally starving for something, which my body translates into a food shortage. When I asked myself, "Do I want to lose weight?" The answer is "yes." So even though my conscious wants it, its really my subconscious that controls the program. I need to change the program through my subconscious which involves changing my belief system through positive affirmations when I'm in a meditative state.

Pretty neat... huh? We'll see if it works! hehe :)

School Projects

Grrrrrr... where does the time go? I keep asking myself that, but the fact is, sometimes I get tired, don't feel like doing it, or would rather be reading or knitting. I finished two assignments, now I just need to finish the one with Sarah tonight so we can post it on the web and be ready to present it tomorrow.

On a good note! I have a date with F tomorrow after school. He's meeting me after his work in DC and we are going to the Lebanese Taverna... I love that place. A classmate introduced me to one, as its a family chain and they have one in Baltimore too. We are going to get a bunch of yummies to share and then maybe take a stroll around Conn Ave to look at the lights. I'm going to drive him back to the commuter bus stop, since he takes the commuter bus into DC. It'll be good to spend some time with him.

I've also been talking to a new guy, J. J lives in NJ, not too far away, but he's a lot of fun. We seem to have a lot in common, and we've been emailing back in forth at work and in the evening. Its not weird, moving too fast emails, like I had before with K and D. Actually its more fun, laugh out loud, corny emails... somehow we got on the topic of childhood toys the other day and I came out with, "Barbie dated He-man for awhile, but he dropped her after she wanted to turn castle Greyskull into castle Pinkskull".... he picked it right up from there and went into other nonsense. I like people that I can have silly banter with that makes no sense, because its fun for me. That banter is what makes me feel connected. I didn't feel that with K (plus he kisses like a wet vacuum), and D has just become weird... I have stopped actively engaging him in conversation awhile ago, and his texts now are random. GOOFY! But F is hanging in there with me - this is date number 5! We already planned date number 6 next week, we are going to 5Rhythms again! :)

Okay..... off to a meeting offsite for the rest of the day!

Odd Day

I am so proud of myself - I actually ran on the treadmill last night. Okay, it was only for 2 and 1/2 minutes, but it was still running. I was speed walking and reading articles for class, and after I finished the article I felt like running. So I did. I always worry about running because its supposed to be 4x your weight coming down on your knees when you run - which is a hell of a lot of weight for someone my size! But it felt awesome!

Today I woke up to hear that I am trapped in my neighborhood. Making a right onto Eastern Ave would bring you to down power line and a flood, and to the left is an over-turned car and a almost two hour backup to get out that way. CRAZY! I decided to stay and work from home in the morning until noon.

I got a good start on my Tab 4 at my work project for 2 hours, before breaking to work on homework for an hour. I have a draft of the presentation that I sent to my classmate, but we both don't want to work on it.

Plus I have bingo tonight - so I'll be talking to her later this evening about it. Oh well - it will be done! hehe

Robert Frost Quote

"Forgive me my nonsense, as I forgive the nonsense of those that think they talk sense."

I was reading more in "Your Sacred Path," as I am on the chapter about ego. The chapter started with the above quote and I had a good giggle. Its amazing what some of things messages we tell ourselves are, and I am amazed at my own every time.

There were bullets of typical ego pitfalls, and one that I didn't think about before, but one I can own is passing a judgement of, "I would never do that...." or "I would never say that," or "I would never act that way." Those statements are actually putting superiority above someone else, which is a huge function of the ego. The ego's function is to keep us from our divine selves, as it is driven by fear.

One method to counter it is to practice "love." Meaning every time you encounter someone during your day, immediately think love. This gives you peace, and changes your interaction with that person. It allows the Christ in you to see the Christ in others. Very inspiring!

Snow Days are AWESOME

Saturday was an awesome day to relax and watch movies as the first snow fall of the season landed in Baltimore. I even finished some of my knitting projects, except for the collar, and I think it is going to work! Not bad for my first attempt at making a vest. I will tell more once it all comes together!

I got to spend yesterday working with a classmate at her house in Bowie and spending some time with her 6 year old. We played a few games, ate cake, and had a good time! I am an available babysitter when she needs one!

Today I am working at my old stomping grounds at Union Memorial ... and I just got to look out of the old window I used to sit in front of. I think I'm going to walk into Charles Village for lunch, which I've missed. I like working in the city, well, at least this part, as its more residential and there are lots of places to eat and visit. My old florist is still there too!

Must get back to work! Have a super day everyone!

Feeling Awesome!

So I'm able to bring myself out of the doom of anxiety more quickly then before - which is a good thing. My techniques are working! Yay!

I've been thinking more and more about the book that I am going to write, and its really about letting the ego go, and stop allowing it to control my life.

I'm also incredibly stressed with work right now, which makes me more open to having anxiety attacks. My boss and coworkers are driving me crazy with having to make project plans. I hate working on that type of schedule. Especially when its work that I really don't want to do. Their anxiety just elevates mine since I don't want to be there in the first place.

My friend Stephanie and I have been talking about that. Once you learn how to feel your soul and just "be" you stop wanting to do stupid things on timelines that don't please yourself. But there is the Catch22 - I have to make a living! hehe :)

So I am going to find a way to make money while still just be-ing... hehe we'll see what happens! I love my work, honestly I do, I just like to do it on my terms.

Oh well, I only have 1/2 a day of work, then we are having our holiday party! There's rumor of apple cider martinis lurking in my future, and I can't wait to try them! I have a drinking problem - I haven't drank in a long while! hehe

Feeling better

For those that normally follow along, I went to the doctor last night and my appointment went well. My blood pressure is lower, I have lost 10lbs since I was there last about 5 months ago, my pulse rate was awesome, and she could tell that I feel and look better.

I asked her the question that has been lingering on my mind, and she gave me some excellent advice:

1. The medicine only helps a little tiny bit, its really me who has been doing the work and improving.
2. I don't need to worry about my medicine, she will never take it away from me, and if I feel like I need it, then she will keep me on it. I am not to freak out about that again, I just need to worry about getting better.

Because of this set back I had on Tuesday night, with an anxiety attack over this, I'm starting to realize how much we, as humans, have control. It is not something that just happens, we are doing it to ourselves. I read more about the ego, and that its way is to cause anxiety and keep you separated from others through it, as it thrives on fear. Which makes sense when logically thought about.

I am also amused at my thinking... even though I am very intelligent and can recognize an irrational thought that I am having when I catastrophes what is happening to me, I still do it. I think that is the first step in cultivating the witness that I've been reading about. And this was good practice for me in doing that. To recognize that it is happening and what I'm doing to myself to contribute to the process.

With all of that said, I am feeling better today, and am working on spiraling myself out of the fear. I basically went down a mental path very quickly, and I am slowly backing myself back down that path. I'm doing this through using loving-kindness meditation and sitting in peace and joy with my soul. I can actually quiet myself and feel it in my chest.

Because of this, I've been throwing around the idea of writing a book. It actually came to me this morning, much like the idea came to me yesterday to train for a 5k. I've always joked that I am Mary Poppins, practically perfect in every way. So the name of the book will be, "In Loving Memory of Ms. Practically Perfect in Every Way." It will share my journey and what I've been doing to pull myself out of it. None of the techniques are my own, as they are all things I have been reading from the greats, and I will make sure to include that.... but I think people will appreciate reading it from a woman who they can relate to, in a language they understand. It will be a guide about how to wake up, and not let the insanity of the brain take over. And I think the piece that will appeal to others is that it is valid data that has happened to someone who hasn't had these problems before she turned 30.

I just want to help others, and help myself in the process.

Fear in itself

I have an appointment tonight with my medical doctor and I know that we are going to talk about my medicine, my Prozac. Because of this, I had a freak-out attack where I gathered some anxiety yesterday evening, and ended up crying to let it out. What I want to know, but what I don't want to know is if all of this goodness that I have been able to find, and the clarity, and the Divine within my soul - is it because of the medicine, or is it because of me?

I have made a lot of life changes since I have been awakened. What I mean by that is a few books have written that you have to fall into the pit of insanity before you realize what is happening and you wake up to reality. I feel like that happened to me. As part of that I take time to meditate and do yoga, I do the breathing stuff with David, I've been using the Law of Attraction to attract men into my life, I've been having FUN at every opportunity, and I have gotten used to enjoying time with just myself. So I don't know if I did all of that because of the medicine, or was that me?

I ask this, because what happens when I stop taking the medicine? Will I become anxious again all the time... and considering that the medicine started to help me right away, as in the first day - was it the placebo effect; mind over matter? I feel that the mind can heal, and the power of the Divine within you can lead to that healing to, but if I found it because the medicine stopped me from being anxious and cluttered in my thinking, then I don't want it to go away. My friend Stephanie has made this journey too, and she has done it without meds, so I'm thinking that it is totally possible.

I was also thinking that last night I had an anxiety attack, which I brought on myself by worrying, and if I was able to overpower the medicine with my mind to have the attack, then maybe the medicine really isn't doing anything for me at all.

The only way to tell is to stop taking it to see what happens. And I can always go back on it. But just like I freaked out before when I started taking it, I'm freaking out again.

I think my greatest fear has returned, which I have been able to identify. That the anxiety will inhibit me from living the life I want to live, and I will become trapped, too afraid to do anything. Losing that kind of control is scary, as I pride myself on my accomplishments and I want to function well in the world. I know that fear is irrational, and I know that it won't happen because I am able to find peace inside of me, but sometimes I worry.

Higher Self vs. The Ego

Who wins? In the great battle for sanity, many have written about the dual personalities that live within us. Its not as outstanding as lifetime tv writes the tale, but it is more personal as we learn to let the ego go and live by the guidance of our higher self. What does that mean exactly? It means that anytime you face turmoil or strife, or anytime you find yourself offended or in judgement of something, you are living by your ego. The ego, often written about as its own intelligent being, will fight you constantly in order to stay in tact. That sounds freaky, but its true. The ego will cause anxiety and fear because it believes that the false self that you have created by the ego is the only thing there is... it doesn't want to lose itself.

But the truth is that the higher self of each of us, or the authentic self, consisting of pure divine energy does exist at our core. It is through quieting the mind, the ego, that we allow it to be free. Making decisions and living life with the higher self as the guide brings a natural sense of peace and serenity that the ego is searching for externally. The higher self, often called our authentic self, is the person in me that I want guiding me. Therefore I am taking on the greatest battle of the century, I'm letting my ego go.

Living without fear and living with peace means letting my authentic self guide me in everything.

New York was AWESOME!

Although I could hardly move for a day or so when I got home from all of the walking and going up and down stairs to the subway, NYC was AWESOME!

I finally made it to the castle, the one place in Central Park that I have been looking for what seems like the last few trips. I manage to find a local who actually knew where it was, and he directed me. I also got to see all of the balloons for the parade being blown up at Macy's Inflation Celebration. I never realized how large those balloons were until we were up and personal with them. I got some great pics.

The hotel we stayed in, The Hudson, was a place I'd happily stay again. It was right by the park and near a subway line at Columbus Circle. Everything is neon green on the bottom level, but then you go up the escalator into the lobby which was a rich dark mahogany color, with a beautiful chandelier. We ended up having to get two rooms, since they were too small to hold 4 people in them. However, the front desk lady was able to match my priceline price, which worked out well. My cousins were funny... they had never stayed at a 3 1/2 star plus hotel before, so they kept pointing stuff out and making comments. It was cute. The hotel also has an amazing courtyard that is only seasonally open, a library/bar, and an outside terrace/lounge. Pretty cool!

We got up early on Thanksgiving morning to get our spot for the parade, and the weather actually played along well with us - the temp was warm and sunny. We had an awesome front row spot, but then the officers decided to come by and make the block we were standing on handicapped only, so we had to move. The spot we had wasn't too bad, but no longer front row! We did some sightseeing the rest of the day, and then had dinner at Ellen's Stardust Diner. I had a blast as the waitstaff sings, so I was singing along with them! Pumpkin ravioli was my choice for dinner, and it was yummy.

Friday was spent doing more sightseeing and shopping, and then we finally caught the bus at 8pm to go back home. Saturday I spent all day in my pjs recovering on the sofa. My legs were killing me from all the walking, but it was worth it!

I spent today helping Mom put up the Christmas decorations, and tonight I'm meeting F for dinner - this will be our 4th date. I'm still unsure if I'm interested in him or not, but he seems to be the one that is hanging in there with me. I haven't been back to his place to get a sex-life complex, so that is probably why. I heard on and off from D the rest of the week, but he is just weird. He's off the list, and the list is starting fresh... although F is still on it! :)

Here are my pictures from NYC:

NYC Thanksgiving 2009

One more sleep!

I have one more sleep before I wake up and go to NYC for Thanksgiving! I am so excited! I can't wait! :) I get to go to the parade!

Life has been interesting as of late. Mostly it is the drama/stress at work that is keeping me going. My boss is a perfectionist, which annoys the hell out of me. Her J gets in when she is stressed, and she becomes a control freak. She started to freak out over the time line of the project, which means she would prefer all of us to sit right in front of her so she can watch us work - that's how she really knows we have a sense of urgency. I'm sorry, but I finished the work a month and 2 weeks early for her, so she can just get off my ass!

Then she called me last night to check-in to make sure I was on board with her, since I asked a question in opposition of her viewpoint at a meeting yesterday afternoon. I'm sorry, I will never believe that you should pay a company $75,000 so they can ask me questions about my content that I developed, so I can sit through a 3 day training session so they can tell me back what I just told them. That makes no sense! But I always tow the line like a good little doobie. Politics bite.

I am also starting to get a complex about my sex life. I think the few guys I slept with must have lied to me when they volunteered the information that I was good and giving in bed. Because twice now I've semi-slept with someone (i.e. heavy petting, naked) on the second date (yeah, I can move fast) and they seem to trickle off communication with me afterwards. The first, K, didn't want a relationship since his divorce, but it was him contacting me every 30 minutes to send me kisses and hugs and tell me he's into me.... not me! Then he freaked out when we were in bed because I was "too giving" - he said "women aren't like that!"

Then the other, D, couldn't get enough of me for two weeks... another one with a text message every 30 minutes, telling me he feels a connection with me... I go over there, before I even take my coat off he's kissing me hello. We cuddled on the couch, and I thought it was kinda weird that he kept saying or asking me if I was his, all his to love. He wanted me to say it... in the moment I did... I slept over, we woke up at 5am, had lots of pillow talk, I got motivated and ready to leave by 9am, and now its like I never was. He was happy, I wasn't. But I figured the next time he would focus on me... But it is weird. He sends me text messages but they are unrelated to the conversation, or they are as if he never got my reply. I finally sent him an email and asked him if he's getting the messages, because they seem weird last night. We'll see if I get a reply. But who knows!

I'm still practicing loving-kindness, and I'm learning a lot about myself in the process. i.e., no matter how much I'm into the guy, don't plan a date at his place on the second date. No going back to anyone's places for a long while! hehehehe

I have to laugh, because I think the whole situation is very funny!

Catching up

So I had a whirlwind of an emotional weekend. But everything is sorted out now.

Thursday was spent being crazy at work, trying to get everything prepped for a huge meeting on Friday - which went really really well!

I talked to D in the morning drive on Friday, and we finalized plans for me going over to his place on Friday night. After book club, I got there around 10am, and it was instant attraction! He's so funny! We had a lot of good laughs, some good cuddles, lots of kisses, and just together time.
I ended up spending the night, and got up in the morning and left because he had to get ready to go to his brother's for his brother's bday. That's when I started to feel a little emotionally shut-off. But I think it was my own insecurities creeping in.

I had, what I thought, a valid reason to be leery. Leading up to Friday we were in constant contact. Except when he was sleeping, he literally texted me or facebooked me every hour, a few times an hour. He wanted me to text him on Saturday when I got home, which I did, and then I told him that I had a lot of fun last night. To which he replied he did, then I didn't hear from him. I knew he was going to the birthday party, so I didn't stress until it got to be around 6pm. He hadn't responded back yet, then I finally heard from him, and he asked me how I was, to which I responded, and asked him, then I never heard from him. I didn't hear from him again until 3pm on Sunday. He sent me a "howdy," to which I responded, then nothing.

My immediate fear was that he changed his mind about us, not there is an us, but he lost his interest in me, because it was just so weird to have heard from him so frequently for over a week, and then nothing. Actually, even when I was at school last weekend, he was constantly texting me. He even was hanging out with his friends on Saturday night and texting me. Even checked in when I was out with some girlfriends on Wednesday to see if I was having fun. And, he was the one who kept pushing for us to be more together, wanting to know if we could be exclusive and telling me that he's really developing feelings for me. Which we both recognized was so quickly, but said that we both feel so comfortable with each other. I thought I fell very neatly into a trap.

So, I put my big-girl panties on and dealt with it. I texted him and said, "Ok, I'm not a crazy psycho woman, but I just wanted to check and see if everything is okay between us, because I'm getting weird vibes?" He immediately responded to that, and said that, "All is well!!!!" I responded and said, "okay, I just wanted to check because I am feeling vulnerable this weekend, and wanted to make sure." He then responded back and forth like "normal"... so I guess it was just my stupid insecurities playing with my head. Or... he didn't want me to feel bad and didn't know how to tell me.

Oh well, the ball is in his court.... I have too much interest vested in me to get myself hyper over this. I really like spending time with me, and I'm okay being single, but I just don't like to be played for a fool. If he just wanted sex (and we didn't go all the way) then I would have appreciated him being upfront about it, and not pulling the "I think you are the one for me" routine. Again, he may be genuine, so I shouldn't be so bitter.

Its time to let it go, to stop falling into my old pattern, and just let it be what it is! :) I am cultivating the witness.

I'm just really proud that I spoke up and didn't triangle about it with 50 of my friends and never said anything to him. That's a major learning for me.

Thoughts

As we have all established, I'm spending a lot of time in my head, and its giving me resistance to what my heart is telling me.

I've changed my loving-kindness prayer to include the statement, "May I find my life partner, and accept him into my heart."

What has been happening is that ever since D and I met last Wednesday (one of the guys) things seem to be sweeping fast. He works overnight, so he gets up around noon, and from noon until I go to bed at 11pm we are in constant contact - and I love it. We were both talking yesterday that we feel so comfortable with each other and it feels like we've known each other forever. And we are both looking for our life partners. I have book club on Friday night, and then I'm going over to his place for a date, and we keep talking about how we have all night to talk and just enjoy each other's company. He even made the comment yesterday that he is so excited to be starting this relationship with me. He even said that he thinks we found each other's other-half. And I feel the same way - its not creepy or weird.

But then my brain steps in, plus everything that I've ever stood for or said. Which equates to, "This is moving too fast - you had one freaking date, Amy, you aren't being logical... this is heading for disaster!" "Don't be one of those people who have one date and then think you are a couple, that's kookie and it means BIG trouble down the road."

Then the other side of my brain argues that maybe this is what people are talking about when they say that they knew, from the moment they met, that they were for each other.

As an interesting side-note... I've been getting a lot of messages from my spirit guides. When I was out with F on Sunday for dinner, we went to the bookstore and somehow we got into the Horoscope-ish section. I looked up my karma destiny which mentioned that I am on the path for understanding and I need to just go with my gut and not think so much. Then I looked up those born on April 29th, which said that we have a capacity for an extra level of love that most don't experience, which is unconditional. However, we need to learn to just accept things when the universe gives it to them, and not question it. Then I went to see David to breathe on Monday night, and the two cards he pulled for me for the spirit guides were Isis and the Ladybug. He read the interpretations which said something like this, "You are wondering if it is too good to be true, and since you attracted something into your life you are unsure of how to keep it. Let go and enjoy it, and just be full of gratitude, that is how you keep it." Then I saw my horoscope for today, which mentioned that I have been doubting, and I just need to learn to accept.

HELLO - wake up and smell the coffee Amy. But I can't help but think, what would other people say if I rushed into something. But who cares, its me, not them! :)

Mindfulness

I've been practicing that again. I did my breathing with David last night and it was a good experience. I didn't get activated, but I had an amazing experience when he was moving my energy around in my brain charka. I actually felt like he was touching my head, I could feel it! IT WAS AWESOME!

Then he also pulled two spirit guide cards before I arrived, and he got Isis and Ladybug. He showed them to me afterwards and they matched everything that I was experiencing.... this stuff is AWESOME! hehe

Now I'm stressed, but I got my work done by the deadline today. I'm not even going to get into what is going on, it will just make me rant.

On a happier note, I have a date this weekend with my crush! WOO HOO! :) I may end up spending the night if all goes well.... get your mind out of the gutter!

I'm making it rain, baby!

When Adam joined our cohort, I don't think he realized that he would get 16 older sisters. Yet, there we are, standing there, busting his balls. His quote of the weekend was "I'm making it rain, baby!" That's his way of saying that he's meeting lots of women on campus because the ration of men to women is slim. He gets to excited when we have a male professor, or in this case two male professors, because he needs some guy bonding time. The ladies and I just indulge him and laugh, but we keep telling him that we are going to shape him into an excellent husband one day.

Class this weekend was interesting. I discovered a lot of stuff about myself, which I think I knew, but it was good to put it in a context. My one professor, is a young, arrogant, ENTJ, and I had my usual reaction to him. I was attracted to him for his geeky intelligence, and I wanted to take his arrogance down a notch and put him into his place. He started being dismissive in conversation when he was teaching, which is the wrong thing to do in front of me, so I got into it with him over one point he was trying to make. I'm sorry, but no one dismisses me. I shared with Stephanie that I am falling into my typical pattern of being attracted to an ENTJ because I can be mentally stimulated, but the relationship usually turns combative and passionate because on many things we see equally but there is enough antagonism to drive me into bitch mode. My bullshit meter just starts alarming whenever he starts talking, which my initial reaction is to call him out on it. I think my father was this way, if I had to type him, and considering that he is a pathological liar, I can state that I am recreating the relationship I had with him in these men, and not letting them get away with any of their shit. It was funny, as I can tell that my cohort didn't know what to do with me, because I was terribly vocal this weekend answering and contributing to class. Its something that I am going to continue to play with and see what happens.

On a great note, I spent Saturday night relaxing in my hotel room. I brought in dinner, took a strawberry bubble bath, and watched movies laying in my pjs while eating chocolate. I don't think I could have planned it better if I tried.

Sunday I met one of my guys for dinner and we had a great time at a place in Columbia. He's my vegan, so I always get to try different things when I'm out with him. This was our 3rd date, and I don't know where to take this. I'm thinking its the friend zone, as all we have done is tentatively hugged hello and goodbye. He may just be very shy, but usually guys who are interested in me start with the sexual innuendo by now, and I haven't gotten any of that with him. Which can be refreshing, but his nervous jittery habits may be something on the nerves. I did test the waters a little, just to see what he would do. But he's very tentative. I came up behind him, bumped hips and poked him in the side with my finger, and he didn't shy away, but then again, he hasn't made any physical moves. I also found the Worst Case Scenario book while we were rambling around the bookstore, and by change fell on the "How to tell if your date is an axe murderer" page. I jokingly began to give him the test, and he didn't try to clarify that it wasn't a date. He paid for dinner, and mentioned that next time he's coming up to White Marsh to meet me.

In the meantime I've been talking to the one I had coffee with last Wednesday, and this one, this one I see going places. We have similar thoughts and I get high communication and interaction from him. We traded texts on and off all weekend, and I talked to him on the way home Sunday night when I was going to meet the other one for dinner. There's chemistry there, but I just hope there is more than just that. I like talking to him too, but I don't want this to be just a relationship about one thing. Although our conversations aren't just about sex, we do share a lot with each other, but like he said, he's ready to find his other half.

Stress. Oh fun. I came back into it this morning to work. Luckily I'm seeing my David this evening for a breathing session. I will need it.

Sigh time

I worked from home yesterday, and I loved it. Well, let me clarify that... I worked from home in the morning until about 10:30am, took a shower, and then was at Starbucks on the Ave by noon and worked there for the rest of the day, until about 4pm. I got so much done, without interruptions.

I am actually in the kitchen of our building, working, which is where I have been since I got here this morning, and I'm being very productive. I just work so much better when I have to focus when I'm not at my desk. Its a mental thing - if I'm somewhere else, I know its important and I have to focus on it to get it done.

While I was at Starbucks, guy #4 stopped by and visited me. I really really really like him. I'm thinking this is the one that I will probably be starting a relationship with. The vote is still out, I'm not jumping into anything, but he seems to be more for me, and he's really into me. And he's just really sweet and adorable. And funny, he had me hysterical the entire time. Cross your fingers for me!

Grumpy

I have so much to do, and no motivation to do it... and I really don't care to do it!

Okay, with that said and complained about, let me get organized so I can begin the process of getting everything done that I'm supposed to do:

1. Respond to an article I read on blackboard in 250 words.
2. Read the entire Teams book.
3. Read various chapters of 2 other books.
4. Read a few online articles.
5. Design the goal setting training for the system project. (Isn't it ironic that they give the procrastinator the job of writing the goal setting module?)
6. Go to the gym every evening.
7. Design the opening and overview of MSH for the system project.
8. Deal with the goofie dynamics that my cohort are going through over a race conversation. Stay out of it as much as possible.
9. Attend the benefits fair for two hours, working my departments table.
10. Attend and facilitate the directors meeting for one of my clients.
11. Respond via email to three clients.
12. Send another client the proposal.
13. Pack my bag for this weekend's class.
14. Get interrupted every 15 minutes so my coworker can show me what she's completed on the project.
15. Work from home and go out on a date at the same time. (I really am that talented)
16. Finish knitting my vest that I am making.
17. Write lists of things that I have to do.

By the way, all of this is due Thursday.

Have a nice day! :)

#4

So I have number 4 guy to add to the mix of the three. Actually, he was part of the original 9, and we have been emailing back and forth every day, but I wasn't including him because we hadn't been out on a date yet.

I was getting slower in my email response to him, just because I've been busy with the other 3, plus everything else that is going on, and he stepped up his communication to me, and we exchanged phone numbers. I'm really glad we did. We talked last night for 2 hours on the phone, and time just flew by. He's incredibly sweet, but still a guy. That sounds sexist, but it is what it is. And, he's actually looking for a relationship, not something to just pass the time until something better comes along. We should be going out on a date soon, but he's actually really interested, and I have to admit that I am too!

I spent this weekend shopping and cleaning up the yard, which was fun and relaxing. I also read a really good article for class on positive psychology. I have to share more about that when I have time, but since I'm heading out in a few to teach a class, this is going to be a short update.

My Man Type

I get spurts of ideas sometimes and I let it flow yesterday at work and I decided to write another book. No, I haven't written my first book yet on the secret to happiness, but after going through my emotional drama over the summer, I think I can write with more authority on that topic, as I've lived pulling myself out of it.

Maybe because it is something that I know and I can relate to, but I really hold providence in the idea of using the MBTI in romancing. Now, before the die-hards get their backup, allow me to clarify that I am not saying that certain types of people should be with other types. Nor am I saying that certain types are better at relationships. But based on my own experiences in the dating world, I've come to know what I like. And just maybe, I can help other people find it too.

It doesn't really matter to me if the guy is an introvert or an extrovert. I am an ENFP, which pretty much turns any personality type into an extrovert. My type makes me a good listener, so I can normally get anyone talking for hours about any given topic. What matters for me is the last 3 letters, and I'm finding that certain combos of them suit me better than others.

For me, I need to date an N, or an intuitive. I can get along with female S's, but I feel dismissed by the male S's. They don't get me. We have conversations on entirely two different levels, and it is almost stereotypical in the archetype of female and male conversations. I want to talk about the big picture and dream, and they get lost in the 5 senses. They don't get it if they can't taste, touch, smell, etc. it. A male S will cause me to shut down and not open up, because I can tell that they are tuning me out and really don't want to know what I'm saying. I think one of the guy's I'm seeing now is a S. He wants to talk and be in contact with me, but he doesn't want to say anything. On my date with him Tuesday night, we only spoke during commercial breaks, and I can clearly see that me talking during the show was not acceptable. I've also noticed that I get dismissed, even if we aren't around a tv. He doesn't know or understand how to respond to my humor, nor does he get when I'm joking. But I still like him.

I can give or take a T/F combo. Although I am naturally drawn to an NT. They stimulate my intelligence and I like proving them wrong or matching wits with them. For them, it is all about competence. They have absolutely no patience for someone who does not show competence. And God forbid if you try to share information with them and you do not have the credentials to back you up. The F male is not the stereotypical male or the male that is most celebrated in American culture. Although none of the types are linked to sex, a female T is usually called a "bitch" in American culture. And a male F is "artsy." But because I like to be stimulated and challenged in conversation, and like the alpha male type, I am naturally drawn to NTs.

I don't have a J/P preference for my type. But I will say that my theory is that if someone is a strong P, it will take a "weaker" P or a J to pin them down into a relationship. A P never knows what they want, they prefer to coast along and see what happens. A J knows exactly what they want, and I think usually it is the J that speaks up in the pair and says, "I want you."

Okay, so what is really going on here? I don't feel like working on my project, so I'm pontificating to waste some energy on that.

I'm busy

So, I'm dating 3 guys, doing homework, working full time on a huge highly visible project, maintaining friendships, and knitting a new sweater vest thingy. Plus exercising, meditating, and taking yoga. And having really vivid dreams. And there I was, a few months ago, worried that I wouldn't have a life and I'd waste away to nothing after 30. And that I'd be alone!

My new challenge is to get a handle on my spiritual and personal life and enhance it as much as my career-life is enhanced. I'm totally in control in my career-life. I know what I want, I know how to get it, and I'm damn good at what I do. I'm confident, earnest, and yet totally loving everything that I am doing. Its one place in my life where I feel totally in control and successful.

My new found spirituality has been amazing. Actually, it's not newly found. I had it years ago, but I lost it along the way. I'm spiritually feeling what I felt then, which is an openness around my heart and an energy in my soul that is just open to the world. I was driving home from my date on Tuesday night, on 95 looking over toward the city, and I found myself not struck by the buildings, but the idea that there are people in there, trying to live their lives and make their way. I felt connected to everyone. I actually was so touched that I wanted to cry and try to make everyone better. But I knew that I could only do that by making myself better. It truly was a holy moment.

As for my personal life, my romantic life, I don't know where to begin. I escaped the trials of growing up in a divorced home with sick grandparents and a cheating father and a hurt mother by reading romance novels. I've talked about this before, but its given me a warped sense of what I'm looking for. I want my eyes to connect across the table at theirs and hear a choir of angels, I want our lips to touch and feel a spark of electricity shoot through my entire body. I'm not talking about arousal, I'm talking about the knowing that something I've been waiting for has been found.

But when reality sets in, it doesn't work like that. Yet some people describe it that way, so I know it does happen for some people. I've been on two dates with two of the guys, and I have to tell you that I haven't felt the spark, nor heard the choir. One is gun-shy, because he's been married before to a terrible woman and had a horrible divorce. He doesn't want anything serious yet, but he communicates with me constantly. However I can see the struggle within him to protect his heart from moving too quickly and going after what he wants. The one last night, it was a great date, but he's incredibly shy and tentative. I had to contain myself, because I'm not sure if he can really hold his own against me.

Its weird, I feel like everything I just wrote I can share with the one from last night, F. But the one who wants to talk to me all the time, wants to be in contact with me, all of what I just wrote would go over his head. Maybe if I make a tv show about it, he'd get it. The third one, M, would get it, add insight to it, I feel like the spark would be there, but I can't get over the fact that he looks like my uncle. But I am going to go out with him again.

And yet, through it all, I continue to say my loving-kindness prayer, and have faith that it will happen.

Looking cute!

I feel really proud when I get compliments on my legs.... even if it is just from my female coworkers at work. I don't normally wear a dress, and when I have one on, they are usually startled. I'm looking cute - I have a black turtle neck dress on, and textured tights with little black flats with ruffles. I feel good, and look good!

Last night's date was a lot of fun. We ate dinner and then cuddled and made-out for awhile! I had to chuckle, as in typical guy fashion he only talked during the commercials, otherwise he was riveted to the tv. And it wasn't even sports, it was Fox News! But such is life! He's an okay kisser, I think his excitement got the better of him and he lost a little finesse... thus I took over and moved things a little more sensually.

Tonight I'm going out to dinner with another guy... this should be fun! I can't wait!

Disloyal

Okay, so here we go with my goofy sense of self, once again. I call it goofy because I really don't think normal people have this problem, but me, in my over-thinking and feeling glory, has it.

So I've been talking to 3 guys, who don't know about each other. When asked if I was seeing anyone else by one of them, I mentioned that I was talking to other people, but nothing serious. Which is the truth, I have no commitment to these guys, nor have we said anything about being exclusive. But my warped sense of loyalty is starting to have a problem.

I talk to two of them constantly, all day, every day. And both of them usually call me in the evening. Both flirt with me, and I flirt right back, both talk about wanting to see me and planning dates, and I want to see both of them and go on dates, so I go right along with it. But do to the amount of contact I have, and the quality of contact that I am having, I am starting to feel loyal to each of them, and talking and planning with the other one makes me feel disloyal to the other.

In my head, if we're just dating, then I shouldn't be talking to them so often, or be in contact so often. One shouldn't be sending me "xoxoxoxox" every few hours or, "thinking of you" messages.... the other shouldn't be checking in to see how my day is going. I'm not used to guys actively paying attention to me, and when they do, I always seem to think its a little more serious then just dating. In my head, "just dating" means two people who go out on dates, maybe kiss goodnight, but the relationship isn't headed anywhere... its almost the equivalent of two friends going out. Because of the amount of contact, I almost feel like I'm cheating on the other one and vice verse.

Which makes totally no sense to me, thus why it is goofy. I'm not in a relationship with these guys, so I shouldn't feel like I'm cheating. Thus my warped sense of loyalty.... get a grip, Amy!

All Souls Day

And my soul is feeling great! I had an awesome weekend, with some good highlights to share, and I can't wait for the rest of the week!

"This is it!" was amazing! I want to see it again. For all of that man's problems and issues, he was an artistic genius. He was one of the few performers who is totally hands-on with every part of the design of the concert and it was AWESOME! I highly suggest that if you ever liked his music at all, or want to see a true artist at work, go see it!

I spent Halloween going to the Amish market, then working on my paper. We only had 4 trick-or-treaters the whole night, before I left to go out on a date around 10pm. I met one of the new guys for a drink, and I was startled. I think he's lying about his age, because all of his grey hair makes him look like my dad. I felt like the "mid-life crisis girlfriend" although he's 37 and never married. But I did enjoy my time with him, and I'm going to go out with him again to get a good read if any attraction was there. He's a really great guy, and I don't want to through him off the list that quickly.

Sunday I taught my first Confirmation class, and mean Ms. Amy had to come out. I've really perfected the art of scaring the crap out of them. It doesn't involve yelling, it just involves sitting in silence until they grow extremely uncomfortable. We sat for 10 minutes before they finally got their act together enough to continue. Now that I laid the ground-work, usually by the end of the year I just have to shoot them a look and they behave. hhehehehehe, it really is fun!

I got to play Spongebob Operation with my little cousin Ben on Sunday night. He's a riot, he handed me the cards to the game and said, "here, I can't read yet." But he helped me count all of the money that he won, by using his fingers. His mom also told me about his trick-or-treating. Apparently some kids had went up on one of the porches right before he got there, so Ben didn't get to ring the doorbell. He then informed them that he has to ring the doorbell, before they give him candy. So they were good sports, closed the door, and let him ring the doorbell and say "Trick-or-treat!" Too cute!

I have two dates planned this week, one happening Tuesday and the other Wednesday. I'm really looking forward to tomorrow night... I think he's shaping up to be the one I'm most interested in... we'll see!

Because this is thriller....

Thriller night!

I'm so excited about seeing MJ tonight at IMAX! I talked my cousin TJ and his mom into going with us too - so that should be fun! hehe He may have to hold me back from dancing in the aisle - I have a tendency to get into it.

So it looks like my next week is shaping up well... I have a date on Sunday, Tuesday, and Wednesday! WOOT! With 3 different guys... wish me luck!

I finished part one of my paper yesterday, and will work out part 2 today. I just hate that I have to give it to two classmates for review, which means I can't wait until the last minute! I like waiting for the last minute.

Patterns

So I'm falling into my usual pattern... I don't want to do my homework, so I'm finding other fun things to do instead. For instance, flirting with the guys I'm talking to on an off via text message yesterday, and then deciding to begin working on a really cute sweater pattern based on something my coworker was wearing yesterday. Judy and I decided to make one, so we started on the project last night. I knitted my swatch and she helped me figure out how many stitches I need to make. I'm using the beautiful yarn that I brought in the VA yarn shop when I was visiting Stephanie. I know I don't have enough, but I'll switch to another color to compliment it.

Maybe if I follow my other pattern, complaining about my homework on my blog, I will get motivated to write it. I DON'T WANT TO DO IT! I was happy in my little world with a plan, until I had a conference call with my classmates who went nuts and decided to add all of these other levels of complexity to the paper. Which sounded really good, but that is just too much work. I don't want to do it. I want it to be magically written for me. But I can't seem to talk anyone into writing it for me.

Grasping

I've been reading about the concept of "grasping" in my Buddhist books and it is a very intriguing thought. Basically need becomes so great that you "grasp" onto things, trying to not let them go. Often people grasp on to other people or objects, and I think that's how in extreme cases OCD results.

Although I am still doing my loving-kindness mediation, and am noticing the attention that I am getting from the guys I am attracting, I'm no longer grasping. I'm no longer, with force, trying to make something work so I don't lose it. Its liberating. I just keep focusing on me, and what I want, and if they want to reach out and engage me, I engage back, but I leave it up to them. It just feels much more healthier this way.

I also like my "Amy" time. I like being by myself and relaxing. I enjoy going into my head now and meditating, opposed to always having to entertain myself before. I'm comfortable in my own skin again. And that feels so good. I feel like I'm back to who I was 5 years ago, and that is a good thing.

Amy-ism

So here's a distinct Amy-ism that happens every morning around this time. When I'm eating my morning banana, I start singing the song "Bananas in Pajamas" in my head. It pops up every day, and sometimes, if my coworkers are lucky, I'll hum/sing it out loud. They really love me! hehe

I'm wearing my new soft pink sweater that I got from Old Navy when I bought out half of the company stock this weekend. Its such a great color for my coloring, as it makes me appear delicate. Its sweet in a humble way.

My breathing session went really well last night with David. I actually got "activated" which means that I passed some emotion through me with my intention, and released it through tears. My intention was to "release anger." Actually, my intention was specific and longer, but I had to halt the session when I started because I was supposed to say the intention with the inhale, and I couldn't get through the entire sentence before my body was ready to exhale. David promptly "lost his shit" at that moment, correct the problem by giving me the shorter intention, and away we went. He also had to turn around and not watch me when we were doing the breathing dance, because I came out with the cabbage patch and started rocking it old school. But I did hit him with two heavy topics, so he was ready to call his instructor for reinforcement, but he worked with me off the cuff and did a wonderful job in the process.

During the activation, I just remember feeling that I wanted to be upside down. But the rational part of me knew that I couldn't do the full breathing if I did that. But I wanted to move into plow pose, but I compensated by just pulling my knees up. As the music was getting more intense, I put my hands on my head, and I remember doing that to try to make the emotion stop and hold it in, but then I remembered that I have to let it go. I started crying hysterically, but I kept breathing through it, as I figured it was more than just anger I was releasing, it was deep hurt. David also stayed closer to my feet this time, as he said that I spend too much time in my head as it is, and I need to get into my body. He said that by sitting by my head, that will make too much energy up there. He also used sage to purify me, and a turkey feather to clean out my charkas.

I also have such intense and vivid dreams when I go to sleep after a session with him. Nothing to write home about, but it was just odd. Actually the subject of my anger was in the dream, and we were getting along as if nothing happened. Interesting... There was someone else in the dream, a guy that I knew and felt comfortable with, he was very important to me, but when I woke up, I lost him.

I'm going to be a crazy woman and work on my homework at work today. I just need to get it done! I don't want to! hehe

My nose itches

This weekend was not date filled as intended, as the one was sick and the other's work project hasn't wrapped up yet. But I spent most of the weekend talking to both of them, and right now I kinda like both. I'm reserving judgement until I go out with the one again, and meet the other for the first time, but I enjoy what we've had to say to each other so far.

I did homework and tried to stay out of the rain on Saturday. After falling asleep in my pedicure chair, I had a nice and relaxing afternoon and evening. I finished the book I'm reading for book club, which is Wed. I'm making hot dog mummies as my dish to share, as we are having a Halloween themed party!

Sunday was spent doing fun fall things. The weather was heavenly, so I went to Valley View Farms, met some really big pumpkins, had dinner at The Still, and then took the scenic route through upper Baltimore County home to look at the trees. I really want to walk the NCR trail, or at least part of it. I think there would be amazing shots for pictures to take at this time of the year.

Tonight I have my meeting with David again. I can't wait. I just feel so safe and loved with that man. His energy is amazing. I think this work is a really good calling for him. Tomorrow night I have therapy, Wednesday is book club, Thursday is Yoga, and Friday I got tickets to see the new Michael Jackson movie in IMAX! I can't wait! :)

I also did some shopping yesterday at Old Navy, and bought out most of the store. I like that I fit into their clothes now. WOOO HOOO! :)

Awesome Date

I feel like I'm floating on cloud nine. I had an awesome date last night - he's so sweet! And I felt a lot of chemistry between us. Its good to have an honest interaction with someone who doesn't hold back any punches when it comes to his interest.

We're going out Saturday night too - and I can't wait! :) Yay! I've missed dating, and it is so good to be back at it!

I may be meeting up with another guy on Sunday, but we haven't finalized anything yet.

I need to get started on my homework, but I've been procrastinating... I'll be working on it a bit this weekend. I'm sure it will go well, but I just need to get started on it! hehe

Work has been crazy... I'm the lead on a system project, so Carol has been running me ragged. But at least I have a great way to destress from all of this - dating! hehe

Soul-searching

I did some more thinking last night at the gym, and I talked to my mom about it. And after thinking about the guys I used to be interested in, I concluded that none of them were emotionally available to me. To me, that means that they were safe, and I didn't have to worry about being hurt. I think going in to the relationships, I never thought they would last, but I did always get my feelings hurt when they hurt me.

The guy I'm going out with tonight is totally available. And he tells me that he's interested, and attracted, and its not some stupid game with him. I like it. But I'm not really sure what to do with that, I've never been in this situation before. Prior, I always felt like I was doing the chasing, and had to be a great saleswoman of why they should spend time for me. I had to work for their attention... this time, its freely given. And its sweet, and genuine.

It scares me a little, because I don't have a script or a role of behavior to play - but love can be scary. I haven't met him yet, so I'm reserving judgements until after our date tonight, but its a new pond of fish to be in when someone is so open to you.

Not a typical situation

So, time to come clean... I've been talking to 8 different guys. I won't be one of those women who blogs about them here, but it seems that I have 4 in the top running.

My ENFP is working against me, as I keep adding more and start to really like them. I have a date with one of them tomorrow night, and we are already talking about plans for Saturday. He's the front-runner, as we have so much in common. I already went out with one last Friday to the 5Rhythms, and the other two have also asked me out. Or rather, wanted to know when I'm free so they can take me to dinner. One is thinking about this coming Friday, and I told the other one to give me a call and we will plan something.

I'm not used to all of this attention - but I like it. I was telling some of my friends and coworkers that I normally date men who are emotionally unavailable. All they want is either a booty-call (I don't deliver) or they want to keep me at arm's length because they don't want a serious relationship. Usually I am the one that has to continue to reach out and make contact, or plan something for us to do. This time.... not so much! The front-runner and I have been talking non-stop since earlier this week, even texting each other during the day. He is ready and willing to be a boyfriend. And he's totally into me. He even sends me emails with pictures of flowers, and a "thinking of you." He's clear about it, and I don't have to ask my friends if they think he's into me - he is. The other one emails me long involved emails, where we've been able to intellectually connect. He really wants to know about me, and what I think. Which is refreshing - I usually spend my time trying to find out what they think, and not really talking about me.

I'm going to meet both of them, to see which one I click with in person. And I may end up meeting the other 2 of the 4 that are in the lead.

It feels good.

Murphy's Law Kind of Weekend

I had great practice this weekend going with the flow and flexing my style! hehe



So, Friday, after class, it is like herding cats to get everyone wrapped up who needed a ride back to the hotel. 5Rhythms started at 8pm, and class did not get out until 6pm. Then the two people who needed a ride back with me to the hotel had to speak to the professors and got lost in conversation with others. We didn't leave until after 6:30pm, and I had to drive all the way into Arlington, by the Pentagon, to check into my hotel, change my clothes, etc. Traffic was horrible, because it was rainy and yucky, so trying to get over the Key Bridge from Georgetown into VA was a nightmare. Then we took the wrong turn, as my human navigator is really good at finding the directions, but not really good at paying attention to where we are in relation to the directions, and that I have to turn. We finally found where we were going, but we didn't get to the hotel until after 7:15.



Ginny and I ran back to the car, and since she is not used to navigating, we got lost going to the 5Rhythms. The roads weren't marked clearly as North or South, and we weren't familiar with the area, so we went the wrong way. I knew we were headed in the right direction to get to the area we were headed in, but we had a lovely tour of Arlington in the process. Once we got our blackberry GPS working, we were able to find the road and make it there. One of my new friends was running late too, but he did arrive around the same time that we did - which was about 8:30pm. It was nice to finally meet him, and I think we are going to go out again. I didn't get home to after midnight, because I had to take Ginny back to her hotel in downtown DC, then make my way to Arlington.



Saturday. At 6:30am, I woke to hear rushing water. After deciding that it really was in my room, and I wasn't dreaming... I went into the bathroom to see water pouring out of the heat lamp that is over the shower in my room. I called the front desk, and they finally sent someone around 7:15am. I had to be ready to go by 7:50am to leave for school, and wasn't sure if I would make it. I got ready in record time, then we encountered "Bike DC." Even though it was pouring cats and dogs, they still closed off all of the streets and bridges into DC to prepare. Only about 3 of the cohort members made it to class on time..... the rest of us were over an hour late, and I got a lovely tour of DC in the process.

They were going to order lunch in for us, but the order-taxi service would not order it until noon. At noon, we called in, but they were not delivering from the restaurant we picked that day, so it was too late to have something ordered, since we were all starving. So we ended up going to lunch on our own. The evening picked back up, as we had a great time out together over dinner.

Sunday was uneventful in comparison to the first two days, and the sky cleared up! Yay!

New hotel

I'm excited for class this weekend as I'm staying at a new hotel that I haven't stayed in before. Its in Arlington, this time, as we could not get something decently priced in downtown DC. I don't mind, as this hotel chain is supposed to have ultra comfortable pillow-topped beds. We'll see! hehe :)

I'm on my own this weekend, as my usual slumber party mate has to go to a wedding Saturday night and is leaving school early. I don't mind, I think I need the alone time. It'll be good for me. I can practice some yoga and quiet meditation before bed, after we have girls night of course.

I am doing the 5Rhythms Meditation on Friday night. My classmate Ginny wants to go, so I decided to go with her. I asked one of the guys that I have been talking to, who works in DC, if he wanted to go too. He's into meditation and relaxation, and likes to dance. Hopefully he'll be able to make it, but it depends on the driving situation. He normally takes the commuter bus into work every day. But he has alternative methods, and a car. My fingers are crossed!

Shopping fun

Yesterday at lunch I headed over to the Avenue with my coworker Lori to help her pick out a few things for her trip. Low and behold, I can fit into Old Navy clothes again! Well, at least their shirts. Getting the biggest size of course, but it is great to have another option! yay! I picked up a few sweaters that were 2 for $15! I feel so good about myself!

In the afternoon I headed to Columbia to meet with one of my clients to give them MBTI results, and the meeting ended early. I thought I was going to meet a friend for dinner, but he ended up working late. In anticipation of the dinner, I found a comfy spot at Starbucks and worked there for the rest of the day. I can get used to working at Starbucks. I get the visual entertainment of people watching, but I get a lot done too.

I also talked to one of my 6 guys last night.... he's a talker! But I think he's a good guy. I'll know more once we actually go out on a date. He works 3 jobs, so his time isn't the easiest thing to get a hold of.

I also practiced my breathing last night, and it felt amazing again. Not as good as when I was with David, but still relaxing. I fell right to sleep! :)

Breathing

I love my David. He became my David five years ago when we started working together, and when speaking about him to my boss, I had to distinguish him from her David who is her boss' boss. The name stuck, and I still refer to him as my David.

He is the sweetest, nicest man, and we have had an amazing friendship since day 1. He's very protective of me, and I think in some ways he sees me as the daughter he never had. He always throws out the "you are so young, I could be your father" and then I remind him that he's only 17 years older than me, so it is more like he could be my uncle! hehe :) I'd marry the man if he wasn't gay.

He started doing the Breath Work three years ago, and it has been life changing for him. So he decided to help other people have the same experience by getting certified and becoming a practitioner. As part of his professional program, he has to take on 4 students and lead them through at least seven sessions. I had my first session with him last night.

First, I have to say, I want his house. He has a Tudor style townhouse off of York Rd, close to Northern Parkway. And since he has done set design and costume design before, his house is a show place. And immaculate. The hardwood floors were amazing, and the small detail touches, for instance the lighting on a painting on the stairs, were incredible. I could just move in. He created a studio in one of the spare bedrooms, and it was just a place full or soothing and relaxing energy. It was a soft shade of green, he had incense, a comfy mat on the floor, plus really beautiful chairs to relax in with pillows. A new entertainment center, and even a tea pot were waiting for our session. I was his first official client, starting from the in-take to the completion. He actually has a paying client today, and I think after my 7th session, I'll get the Amy E. discount for future sessions. He teases me that Amy E is my stage name.

I spent 2 1/2 hours with him, as the first session is the longest. He explained everything that may happen and how the process worked, and why breathing is so important. We practiced sitting on the chair for awhile, and after we worked through the fit of giggles (we are both prone to them, once he gets me laughing), we determined that I am a chest breather while in an upright position. However, once he had me on the mat, he noticed that my breathing became more relaxed and in my diaphragm, where it is supposed to be.

He turned down the light, just had a small lap on and a candle, sat on the floor next to me, and just adjusted me slightly so that I was completely relaxed. Then he just put his fingertips on my stomach to help me make sure I was breathing into the right place. I opened my mouth, dropped my jaw, and had the most relaxing and soothing experience. The breathing is done through the mouth, in a circular pattern, but not forced. The exhale is actually totally relaxed, and you just let go. That's hard to do, especially since we noticed that my natural pattern of breathing is very measured. I exhale at the same pace and the amount that I inhale, which is not what I'm supposed to do. We aren't sure where that comes from, because even when I'm totally relaxed, I breath that way. He told me we'd work on making my exhales more relaxed.

The whole experience on the mat lasted 20minutes, but it seemed like just 5. He is such a comforting and loving person, that I just felt so relaxed and cherished. He lowered his voice, and would whisper words of encouragement, telling me that I was doing a beautiful job... it was so soothing. I just wanted to curl up and go to sleep afterwards. It feels good to be loved like that.. without judgement. I don't think he's be that nurturing with his other clients.

The idea behind the session is that as we grow up, we learn to hold our breath and control it, when we aren't supposed to. If we watch a baby or an animal breathe, they don't do that. But we learned to control where we breathe into, avoiding the areas that we may have trapped emotion or tension in the body over the years. This relaxed state helps us to get into those areas and release them. I can't wait for my next session at the end of October!

Full weekend!

I had such an awesome weekend... I feel like I keep saying that every weekend, but as I'm spiraling up, things just keep getting more fun!

I spent the night over Stacey's on Friday, and we had an awesome cheeseburger dinner, killed 2 bottles of wine, then passed out while watching one of my favorite movies, Moulin Rouge. We got up bright and early on Saturday morning... actually it wasn't bright, it was before the butt-crack of dawn, and headed out for our bus trip to NY. We arrived in NYC around 10:15am, did some window shopping on 8th Ave before eating lunch at 11am.

Lunch was an interesting experience, as we met a crazy drunken Australian. Stacey was weary, but he was harmless. He later brought his wife in when we were still eating, and I felt bad for her, for having to deal with his drunkenness. I have been there, where you are just waiting for them to pass out, so they would shut up. Luckily I don't have to deal with that anymore! We had yummy Indian food, and the waitstaff just took extra care of us, since we were the first customers of the day.

After deciding to navigate the subway, we headed into Brooklyn. I finally got one of my New York wishes, to walk across the Brooklyn Bridge. It was an awesome experience, with great views. She and I are picture happy, so we have many that I haven't uploaded yet. It was also the Breast Cancer 2-day walk so we were dodging people walking on their 17 mile leg of the tour. We headed back uptown after that to Central Park. The line to get into the zoo was huge, and we didn't have a lot of time, so we decided to just enjoy the park.

That was my 3rd time into the park, and I have yet to find the castle. I'm beginning to think it is a myth. But when I go back in November, I'll have more time, and I will find it! It has to be there somewhere!

We found a couple of street fairs that we hit up, before heading to a yummy French cafe for dessert. We ordered the chocolate fondue, which was amazing. I will be going there again! I also got a few more scarves to add to my collection.

Sunday found me teaching my first Confirmation class. This was just the parent meeting, so I got to lay down the law. I have more boys in my class then girls this year, so this should be interesting. It can one of many ways, but I'm going to give them the benefit of the doubt. I went to lunch with Mom, and then we saw "Couples Retreat". That was cute!

I got to talk a bit to a few guys I've met on a dating website in the afternoon of Sunday. After talking to my mom about it over lunch, and adding it up.... I'm in the email communication stage with 6 different guys. Two have my number, and I got to meet one on the phone before my yoga class last night. He's really sweet, so hopefully we'll be able to get together soon. I'm just enjoying myself, which is what matters. The Law of Attraction is in full force!

I took a Hot Yoga class last night for the first time. It was so crowded, but so rewarding. Its not lady-like, but I sweated my ass off. Some of the poses were difficult, but once I let myself get into the stretch it was amazing. I will definitely be going back, maybe twice a month.

VICTORY LAP!

After checking my grade this morning from my last class on Org Strategy, I got up from my cube and did a victory lap down the hallway! My crazy coworkers actually got up and followed me, they didn't know what it was for, just that it is time to celebrate!

I got an A! Not an A-, a freaking A! WOOOOOOO HOOOO!! And I hated every gosh darn minute of the class too, and procrastinated writing that damn paper forever! But I did it! WOOT! I'm so excited!

I'm also excited because tonight I'm heading over to Stacey's for some girl-time, slumber-party style, before we wake up early tomorrow morning and go to NYC. This is going to be an awesome weekend!

I'm also taking a hot yoga class on Sunday night with a singles group, so I should be meeting some neat new people. Yay!!!!!!!!!!!

soul

Close your eyes, take a few deep breaths and just feel. Feel the sensations as the energy moves around in side of you. Visualize your ab region just letting go, and as you do, do you feel a sense of joy? A pleasant feeling that runs up and down the center of your body? I do. That's the area I equate to the location of my soul, and that is where I feel the joy. It bubbles up and makes me smile. That feeling is the one that is always worth keeping, and I don't have to do anything to get it. It is always there, laying inside of me, just waiting to be let out. Everyone has it, its just that life bogs it down sometimes and people can't feel it. Then when they do, they start grasping to hold onto it, for fear of it being lost forever. Or they try to recreate the same conditions in order to experience it again, but no moment is ever the same. People and things are moving through time and evolving. Nothing is ever the same again, it can't be.

I took an online charka test, it was about 60 questions that helps identify what charkas I may be over-using, or under-using based on my answers to the questions. According to it, my Heart charka is over used. From what I read, it indicates that I love too much, often smothering those who I give love to. My Root and Sacral charkas are under used. This means that I am not in touch with my emotions or don't feel them as I should, and I don't feel as grounded and secure wherever I am. Working to open these charkas will bring me into better balance and alignment. It is an interesting perspective on some of the life situations I have been going through recently. Practicing opening all of my charkas cannot hurt.

Reason, Season, or a Lifetime

I've heard the statement before, "People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime." As they come into your world, they are there to teach you a lesson, and they are there to help you grow. Life is about spiraling out of the patterns and behaviors we have set forth within us from previous lives, and true enlightenment means letting them go to not live the pattern any longer.

Before I go on, most would be outraged at the good Catholic girl talking about previous lives. I have many issues with the traditional teachings of the church, but it makes sense to me that we are on this planet, living different life experiences, until we get it right. Maybe this is our purgatory. I don't know, and no one else really does for that matter. But I do know there is a God, or a Source, and all energy in our soul's spring from that eternal. It makes sense to me that we are called into different life experiences in order to learn from them, and to become better. "Heaven worthy" if you will.

I was reading more from the book "Let Go" and something struck me again, a lot of things are striking me in my reading. Basically I can continue to stand in place and spin, or I can stop. Its always a choice. I don't have to do anything that I don't want to do. I don't have to think about something constantly based on an event that happened, nor do I have to plot the perfect revenge to hurt someone as badly as they hurt me. I don't have to waste the time thinking of all the motives they are plotting to "get me." To pull one over on me, to use me. I don't have to wonder why the story they delivered changed so quickly when they realized that they couldn't make me feel guilty or manipulate me in that way. That is their "work" to do. My "work" is to find my path, and to let go of what is hindering me from what I want.

I feel like I just completed a season with Sam. Since I'm really great at waxing poetic on various topics, I can go with this one by saying that he came into my life to hold me together when I fell apart over the summer. I needed someone who had been there, could explain it to me in a way I could understand, and get close enough to me that I trusted him completely with everything wrong. I felt that I could share my head and not have to worry about censoring anything so I wouldn't scare them. For him, I was the last and most impactful person he had to hurt in order to break his pattern. By his own admission, he did everything wrong by me, and everything right by Amber. For whatever the reason, I needed to be that person, otherwise the lesson would not have been learned.

Now its time to change and move on. I don't think this is the end for us, as I think seasons will continue to show up for this lifetime. But it is the end of what once was. That makes me sad. In my "Let Go" book, the sadness comes from daydreaming about what life could have been like, and not living in the reality of what is actually happening. That's why humans make themselves sad, unrealistic expectations. And I did that.

But the Law of Attraction is one that I keep returning to, time and time again. I've been doing the Metta Loving-kindness practice, and I feel like I am drawing happy and good things to me. I feel stronger, I feel joy in my soul, and I feel excited for every new path this is coming my way. I feel healed. I have a lot to learn, as does everyone else, but I'm going to enjoy it this time. My joy is bringing people in my life who wouldn't normally be there. Hopefully now I'm attracting people who are good for me, just as I want to be good for them.

doing the right thing

I was talking to my friend Stephanie today via email and she and I uncovered another theme that I keep replaying. Actually it goes with the "last cupcake" piece, but I was just reminded of it again.

I told her that I have to do the right thing because otherwise I feel childish and bratty. She reminded me that I need to do the right thing, but only if it is the right thing by me. The universe would be much happier if I stopped enabling behavior to continue. She's right. She said that she doesn't mean living out every whim, but she means the right things that I need to do to maintain a healthy balance for me.

I think I struggle with that in the negotiation piece when someone is opposing me. I can be a true Taurus Stubborn Bull, but for the most part I'm not. If someone wants to go left, and I want to go right, I always end up going left. That doesn't seem so stubborn, does it? When someone reminds me to stand up for myself, I do, and the other person ends up saying that I'm being hurtful and I feel guilty. I think some people know that about me, and use it to their advantage, including family members. What that leaves me with are a lot of experiences where I am independently making myself happy and I'm making everyone else happy in the process to keep the peace. I stopped caring about and sharing what I wanted, because I never felt the exterior world could provide it for me. Only I can make myself happy.

Therapists spend years trying to get patients to the statement that I just said, i.e. Only I can make myself happy. But for some reason I don't think it has the same meaning for me. I think the therapist needs to help me include others and to form healthy attachments with a balanced emotional mix. Most often I become the caretaker in the relationship, or the "Wounded Warrior."

I was reading more about the "Wounded Warrior" archetype, I found this interesting:

Who is the Wounded Warrior?
The Wounded Warrior is powerful, independent, self-reliant and successful -- because you have to be. Yet, you resent all of the responsibility and obligation that goes with your role. You are the only one around who can get things done, and get things done fast enough and perfectly enough.
You are bitter (at least inwardly) toward men, who you believe get all the breaks, but do little of the real work. You see men as the weaker sex, responding emotionally and acting illogically, when they act at all.
Long ago, you let go of the fantasy of a knight in shining armor or Prince Charming. You are bitter, angry and sometimes even cutting in your dealings with men. You may consciously or passive-aggressively seek revenge against the male transgressors in this patriarchal society.
You respect other female Warriors, yet have no tolerance for “weaker” females who don’t carry the Warrior’s sword. You are, or were, a good wife and good a mother, protecting and providing for you family. Yet you express even these roles through the stance of a warrior.
You are tired of fighting. You displayed your battle wounds proudly in the past, but have now grown bored with conquest. Your armor is heavy and you long to remove it for good. You long for the Goddess within you; yet believe you couldn’t survive without your Warrior’s sword. Let me introduce you to -- the power of the Goddess.

How Did You Become a Warrior?
There are several possibilities. You may have grown up feeling that your father did not provide the required safety and protection. Maybe your father was absent emotionally or physically. Or maybe you had a father who expressed mostly the feminine energy, not modeling a mature male archetype. You may have modeled yourself after your mother or other influential female who was a Warrior. You may feel betrayed or abandoned by one or both of your parents. You may feel you need to play the role of a male and be the provider and protector of your family. You may have decided that you needed to develop warrior-like qualities to survive in the business world.
Whatever the reason, you put on your armor and you fight. You fight for yourself, your family, your job, recognition and validation. You accumulate wounds, battle scars and conquests too. Your ego is over-taxed and your soul cries out for retirement.

How Does the Soul Use the Law of Attraction?
The reason you encounter hurtful situations is because of the hurtful energy that is stored inside your DNA. Your soul it is always seeking to bring you back to health and joy. It tries to release hidden and suppressed energy. It uses the Law of Attraction (like attracts like) to magnetize the people and situations that will trigger the opportunity for release.
That’s why, as a wounded female warrior, you attract wounded men. They trigger you and give you the opportunity to clear and release this stored energy. Yet, you rarely take the opportunity because you just don't know how. Based on my experience, you CAN clear the hurtful energy in the DNA. And when you do, you begin moving through your life without the hurtful cellular memory. Your ego’s job is much easier because there is no hurtful energy to be released – you are not drawing hurtful situations anymore. When you move into a new situation and your ego scans for hurtful memories, it can’t find any. So your ego allows you to move into new experiences with no limitations.

How to Recognize a Goddess
The Goddess has let go of all that is not divine. She enjoys and expresses her femininity with courage. She finds that both men and women are easier to work and play with than ever before. She has let go of her suppressed feelings of betrayal and abandonment and radiates the energy of trust. So others open up, let down their walls and she draws out the trustworthiness and integrity in them.
She treats others with understanding and kindness. Yet she is discerning and knows how to draw boundaries when appropriate. She speaks the truth, from her heart, with respect, honoring the feelings of others.
The Goddess carries a particular energy, a higher, faster vibration in her electromagnetic field. She has created an environment in her body that magnetizes more refined Divine energies. Her body becomes a radio tower that grounds the celestial energies of profound compassion and joy into the Earth and then radiates it outward in all directions.
There are many aspects of the Goddess. She can be like Isis, expressing the Creator Mother aspect. She can express Aphrodite; the loving, sensual and sexual playmate aspect. She can express Kahli, the destroyer of that which no longer serves. She can express a Warrior Goddess, the protector that knows how to draw and protect boundaries. The difference is now that she is healed and whole, she can call upon whatever aspect of the Goddess best serves her in any moment. She is no longer limited to only acting out the part of the Wounded Warrior.
She radiates the energy of Sacred Union within herself, then the Law of Attraction operates to magnetize others who are of the same energy and consciousness. Soon she finds herself surrounded by Gods and Goddesses – all living harmoniously in Paradise on Earth they created from their balanced energies of Divine Love, Divine Wisdom and Divine Power.